Where we were, where am I going

It is August 26, 2017 and as I begin my new journey, I am sitting on top of a mountain in North Carolina just northwest of Asheville, in the guest room of my sister's house.  The cool mountain air is again refreshing compared to the humidity of the midlands of South Carolina.  It feels good to be in a small mountain town, I've been here many times to visit my sister....and my mom when she was alive.  It's a place Debbie and I used to come.  She loved the early American antiques, not only here, but everywhere.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.

So I am starting this journey with a purpose.  Six months ago I was a pediatric oncologist and Debbie and I were approaching our 32nd anniversary.  She had had a rough 2016 as she had sever blood infections with septic shock in July and December, spending Christmas in the hospital.  Those episodes took their toll, along with the worry of rising breast cancer tumor markers.  Not particularly reassured by negative scans, we all knew that her disease would rear its ugly head sooner or later.  My prayer was that it would crop up at a stage where it could be treated with continued control of the disease.  After all she had been relapsed for five years and well controlled on hormone injections monthly and an oral chemo, one week on, one week off.  Life was tolerable with some good times, some not so good times. 

After the second episode of septic shock over Christmas, Debbie was really never the same.  She looked and felt unwell, weak, just not her spunky self (she was spunky, just ask the kids).  Things got worse, she got dizzy when she stood and then, like her blood pressure, the bottom fell out.  Debbie got very sick, very fast, was hospitalized, sent home on hospice and four days shy of our 32ndd anniversary, in the midst of her children and husband, she passed into the arms of Jesus.  I left a lot out because most of it I can't really think about for too long.

Soooooooo we had an a funeral that celebrated her life.  It was one of those funerals where you could tell about whom they were speaking and it was the truth.  The kids went back to their families and I lived in a 3700 square foot house with two dogs that I didn't think I really liked.....alone.  There were some pretty hard nights, made better by the acts of kindness and support of my children, friends and work family.  After a couple of weeks I returned to work, my life's work as a pediatric oncologist.  Under the best of circumstances, that can be a challenging job.  When you spend all day taking care of kids with cancer and go home to a wife with cancer, that can be tough.  When you spend all day taking care of parents who are feeling the same grief over the loss of normalcy in their lives and come home to an empty house, that's a real killer.  Mind you, I'm not complaining.  I have gotten so much more back from the families for whom I have cared, and from taking care of Debbie, than I have ever given and I wouldn't trade any of it.

So on May 30, I retired.  Wow, no more fighting early morning traffic, no more of the hundreds of little decisions I made every day and the tens of huge decisions I made every month.  No more hugs from grateful parents and no more kids to woo with my Donald Duck voice.  No more daily contact with work family to check on me and give supportive shoulders to lean on.  I mean I wanted to retire but that was to spend more time with my wife whose health was failing.  But then she got sick and died and my replacement had already been hired and suddenly in the short span of three months I had two big voids in my being that seemed to be swallowing me up like a big sink hole. 

The early summer was filled with awesomeness.   First there was CAMP KEMO and the continuation of the Dr. Ron farewell tour.  It was all so wonderful, if not just a little overplayed.  Nobody's that good and if they are it's only because God has done a work in them.  Then Allyson and the girls came, then Tobias and having their family, Sophie and Audrey came for a few days and seeing so much of Grant, Graycen, Brent and Stacia it was great.  On top of that it seemed like I've been able to see Brittany with or without Andrew (mostly with which is good!) almost every two or three weeks over the summer.  So there was a lot going on and despite the tremendous joy of those times there were still multiple times a day where I deeply missed the fact that I didn't have Debbie to share those times with.  Not to mention all those terrible firsts. Now I can understand being upset on your first Father's Day or Mother's Day without your spouse, but Fourth of July? Really? You can't be serious!  But oh yeah, there were tears shed over the Independence Day (maybe it was the fireworks?).  Anyway, it really is true that weird things bring back memories that make me either laugh or cry, or both!

So I'm really going to get to the point here.  I know that God has me on this earth for a reason.  I also know that He allowed this set of circumstances to happen in my life and that He intended it for Him to use for His purposes.  Finally, I know that if I get with the plan and place His purposes first, He would use this awful situation to "work together for good" (Romans 8:28) and that this is all part of His molding me into the vessel He wants me to be.

Debbie and my favorite verse is (I don't really know if it still is hers) Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".  As I reflected on this verse it was clear that God knows what He has in store for me and I just have to find it out.  But how?  The answer for me lies in the next few verses that don't get nearly as much pub as 29:11. 29:12 through 29:14 says  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.

Which brings me to sitting on top of  mountain in NC.  So I decided that God has a path and a purpose for me and He wants me to seek it with all my heart.  So as I thought and prayed about it, whether he put this in my head or I just dreamed it up on my own, I decided that I needed to take a road trip and try to do several things. First, I wanted to go back to every place I have lived, been educated, trained and try to reconnect with some people from my past.  After all in order to know where I'm going, I have to know where I've been.  There are some old friends that I haven't seen in a long time or even a VERY long time.  Second, I wanted to spend time with my grandchildren who I haven't seen enough of and I want to become a real grandfather (Pop Pops) to them.  And third I wanted to have some new experiences so I will be visiting places I've never been before.  Finally, I wanted to learn to be by myself, to learn to listen for God's voice and to figure out how I am going to live without Debbie.  I'm not so naïve to think I can get over grief, but hopefully with some alone time and time with God whether it be driving or hiking or just sitting in a little Airbnb cottage, I can get through it.  And know what God has planned for me.

So today started my journey.  It started with launching a new F3 (see www.F3nation.com) workout site in Laurens, SC.  So we left Chapin at 5:30 am to go work out in Laurens, my car packed for a five or six or seven week trip, however long it takes.  Hopefully, I'll have some answers (or at least a lot of good memories) by the time it is all over.

This is a not so great shot of the guys who worked out today.  I'm the guy in the red shirt in the middle by the flag.

So I post this blog not knowing if anyone is going to read it.  But also, I don't want to make this a job.  So for one thing, hold your applause, but this is going to be by far the longest post.  Secondly, I am not committing to post every day or maybe never again.

In Him
Ron