Minneapolis, New Carlisle

It's been over a week since I last posted.  Did you miss me??
After doing the Badlands and having breakfast in Wall Drug, in Wall, SD (a large former drug store that is a huge souvenir shop which Debbie would have loved!).  I teared up as I passed the jewelry counter as I would have spent forty-five minutes there had Debbie been with me.  In days of old, I would have thought those would be tears of joy but they were, in fact, tears of missing her.  Monday, September 18, I took the long drive across South Dakota then headed north to Minneapolis.  There, my accommodations were quite unique.  I stayed in an Airbnb in downtown Minneapolis that is over a hundred years old and has its own website (www.300Clifton.com)!  It was in walking distance to downtown and a very nice park brandishing of Minnesota's 10,000 lakes (or pond).

Tuesday morning was a tough one for me.  There are just days that I miss Debbie even more than usual.  I began to question why I was doing this journey at all and really didn't feel like going anywhere.  I had made contact prior to the trip with SE who was a news anchor in Columbia and moved to Minneapolis.  She had offered to show me around and, even though I didn't feel up for it, we met up around 1:30 that afternoon.  After a delicious lunch we "did" Minneapolis.  Walking all over town, she showed me the Target's world corporate headquarters, the venue where Prince (and many others) got their start, the new Vikings stadium where the Super Bowl will be played this season, a beautiful theater building overlooking the Mississippi River.

In addition to all the sights, we had some great conversation.  Her father had passed away last October, very suddenly, after having been in Minneapolis two weeks before.  We talked about the differences between sudden and expected loss, about losing a parent vs. losing a spouse, relying on family and friends for support and how unsupportive some people can be, even when they mean well.  So many similarities, yet so many differences.  It was a fun and profitable time and certainly improved the foul mood I was in that morning.  Pics from that time are on Facebook.

The following day I bid 300 Clifton and Minneapolis adieu and had, to this point,  the most arduous drive of the trip to New Carlisle, Indiana to see Courtney, Billy, Noelle (nearly 4 yrs. old) and Holly (nearly 2 yrs. old).  The trip was made more challenging as I travelled through Chicago during afternoon rush hour.  It was the most welcome arrival of the trip thus far because of the traffic and anxiety of trying to follow the GPS with all the construction going on.

The past five days at Courtney's have been great.  New Carlisle is a sleepy, little town in northwest Indiana, about 2.5 hours east of Chicago, 20 minutes north of South Bend, fifteen minutes south of the Michigan border and about two minutes from corn fields in any direction.  They live in a two story brick house that was built in 1887 on a corner lot with beautiful, old, dark knotty wooden floors.  The house has been redone to include indoor plumbing with a bedroom being converted into a bathroom (footed tub in the middle of the room) and A/C on the second floor.  The latter was key for my visit due to the 90+ degree heat that visited the area for the entire length of my stay!  Billy has done incredible work in redoing gardens and landscaping that had obviously been long neglected.  Their house seems to be a central play area for a lot of the neighborhood children (and their parents)!

Noelle and Holly are the grandchildren with whom I have had the least contact so it was great to spend time with them.  They are adorable and growing so quickly. The last time I saw them was when Debbie and I visited last October when they were living in the Hyde Park area of Chicago.  New Carlisle, the old, expansive house and the friends they have made suit their family much better  than the 700 square foot, 6th floor apartment they lived in previously.  Much of my stay was focused on playing with the kids, staying cool, eating and hanging out with Courtney and Billy and their friends and their kids.  One day I took Courtney on a "how to shop Costco" trip along with getting my car serviced at the Toyota dealer ( I have put 5,000 miles on my car thus far on this trip!).  Yesterday we all went to a little town in Michigan and had lunch and today, we went to South Bend to attend church at the Notre Dame Basilica.  Although I'm not Catholic, I am always impressed with the reverence of their services.  I also had to get a picture of "Touchdown Jesus".

Tomorrow is another goodbye and another adventure.  I am beginning to reflect on the end of this trip and what comes next.  My mission is to be in the center of God's will.  I was reading out of James this week, a book that gives practical life advice.  In James 1, he talks about how we should be joyful in facing trials as they strengthen our faith which causes us to persevere and become mature believers. In verses 5-6a he says "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt".  Wisdom is seeing the world from God's perspective.  So when I pray that God will show me His way for my life, I can count on an answer from Him as long as I believe in my heart of hearts that He will answer.

Wall Drug

Touchdown Jesus!

Hanging Lake, Independence Pass, Wyoming, South Dakota

Wednesday, September 13, I went on an unscheduled excursion.  Julie and Paul had told me that one of their favorite hikes was three hours west of Denver, near Glenwood Springs, CO.  So I decided to go there.  Now this may not seem like a big deal.  On this trip, I have discovered my inner flexible, impulsive self.  I have never really been a spur of the moment kind of person but I believe God is showing me how to lighten up and that the schedule isn't as important as the experience.  It's much easier to do when you're in the retirement season of life, at least for now.  Many have warned me that I'll be busier than when I worked.  That's hard to believe but we'll see.

The ride to Hanging Lake was pretty, going through the mountains on "The 70" as Julie called it and Interstate 70 as I would call it!  I was warned to get there before 9am because the parking lot fills up quickly.  I arrived at 9:30 and there were plenty of parking spaces.  There was a short walk along the Colorado River and then the trail took off into the mountain.  The hike was strenuous, 1000 ft rise in elevation in a one way 3/4 mile hike not to mention the lake was at over 7,000 ft, so the air was pretty thin for this 65 year old sea level dweller!  Thanks to F3 step ups and squats my quads were up to the task.

The lake and rock-spouting waterfall were absolutely gorgeous, as good as advertised.  I stayed there for about an hour eating a sandwich, drinking water and reading my bible.  I was reading Psalm 78 and it was so cool.  The beginning talks about remembering God's goodness and faithfulness when we fall upon hard times.  It is so easy to forget how he has blessed me in the past while struggling with loss and grief.  Then came verses 19-20 "They spoke against God; they said, “Can God really spread a table in the wilderness?  True, he struck the rock, and water gushed out, streams flowed abundantly, but can he also give us bread? Can he supply meat for his people?”  God not only supplied water, but manna and meat.  He supplies all our needs according to His riches and glory.(from Phillipians 4:19).  Whenever I feel hopeless I need to remember the rock water spout.
 

                                                                                                         

 After the hike, I found my Airbnb, went to dinner and was so tired I couldn't even go to the hot springs in town which is where Glenwood Springs got its name. 

 

The following day I decided to take a long drive up to Aspen, through the Independence Pass which is part of the western continental divide.  All of the water west of the divide flows eventually into the Pacific Ocean and all the water east of it into the Atlantic.  The landscapes were beautiful and the aspen leave were changing so they shone bright yellow amongst the evergreens.  There were some neat small mountain towns like Leadville that looked like something out of the 1800's.  I arrived at Julie's in time for dinner and my last night with her family.  It was such a great stay with them.

 

Yesterday I drove up to a place call Vedauvoo in Wyoming.  It is a large rock formation in the middle of a flat expanse of land.  The rocks were beautiful and inviting so I had to do some climbing.  Pics are on Facebook if you are interested.  I had intended to go to Devil's Tower but didn't realize it was over five hours from Vedauvoo to Sundance where I spent the night.  So I got on the I25 and drove....and I drove....and I drove.  Eastern Wyoming is flat, brown and windswept.  The mountains off to the west were pretty and I could watch as storms traversed the horizon.  On this northern prairie, there were cows, sheep, antelope and oil rigs with occasional houses peppered along the way.  To accommodate snow storms there are signs that warn drivers that if its lights are blinking one must exit the highway as it is closed.  The same signs were in the Rockies.  These are things we just don't see in SC.

 

The Airbnb I stayed at last night was owned by an older couple who were so sweet and kind.  They even provided eggs, toast and coffee for breakfast, a nice surprise as this is not a routine in Airbnb's.  It got down to 32 degrees last night and has been in the 40's all day today.  I said good bye to Wyoming and rode down to South Dakota's Custer State Park.  I learned (or relearned) that this is not where Custer's last stand was, that was in Montana!  Anyway I went on the scenic drive through the park but its effect was dampened, so to speak, by thick fog and 45 degree drizzle.  I did get to see buffalo, donkeys, antelope and prairie dogs.

 

Today was the first day that my mood was about as lousy as the weather.  I just really missed Debbie a lot and felt very lonely.  But that's one of the main reasons for this journey.  To feel the loss, deal with the loneliness and realize that I can get through it.  I thank God for His provision through this time of transition.                                                         

 

Birthday in Denver

I arrived in Denver on Friday afternoon after a nine hour drive that surprisingly didn't bother me at all.  I never realized that there are windmill farms and oil derricks in Kansas.  One remarkable place I passed had a field of sunflowers as far as the eye could see.  Just gorgeous but going 75mph (or maybe 83) it was too difficult to stop on the shoulder to get a pic.  That was about the only pretty landscape in Kansas.  The other oddity of the ride is that there are no real foothills to the Rocky Mountains.  Denver is a mile high but it was all so gradual an incline going though eastern Colorado, it didn't feel like I was going up!

The first night my younger sister and I went out for dinner at the restaurant where my daughter, Julie is the sous chef.  We had a wild boar ragu which was amazing.  Julie demonstrated her culinary skills when Debbie was on hospice and all the kids were staying at the house.  She got a masters degree in biochemistry but found that she loved and was skilled in cooking and baking.  She transitioned from the science laboratory to the kitchen and loves that work so much more and it shows.  It's not what I envisioned for her but that just shows that dads don't always have the correct vision for their children!

Saturday Julie, her husband, the two girls and I went to the Garden of the gods.  It is a beautiful park near Colorado Springs south of Denver.  The girls are really good hikers and we had a wonderful time.  That night Julie made home made pulled pork sliders, cole slaw with home made dressing and salad.  Yum!  Best BBQ yet!!

Yesterday was another Sunday, my hardest day of the week and on top of that my 65th birthday.  It has been 26 weeks since Debbie died.  As the days have become weeks and the weeks have become months, the burden has not lessened much if any.  My eyes moisten just writing these words.  I received countless Facebook messages, texts and phone calls from family, work family and friends and yet, the one I didn't get was Debbie's sweet birthday card.  As thankful as I am that Debbie is no longer suffering, the pain of her absence is nearly stifling at times.  When this pain seems to be a mountain I can't climb, I know I must lean on the Lord as He says in Psalm 147:3  He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

However, it was amazing the number of people who lifted me up yesterday.  Social media certainly has its negatives but I heard from friends, family, work family, former residents and students, and patients and their parents.  Not only that, there is a former patient who lives is Denver and has a three year old daughter (a miracle in and of itself) who took me out for brunch.  It was so great to see her and catch up!  Plus, Julie had a birthday party for me attended nephew, his wife and their six week old twins!  The food and birthday cake (my two granddaughters helped make it) were delicious.  The day was clearly a combination of bitter and sweet.

Today we went to the kids' school as they had a Run for Funds.  It was so fun to be a part of their every day life.  Loving being with Julie and the kids in their town, something I haven't done for six years!

Little Rock

My adventure continued in Little Rock, Arkansas.  My anticipation was that this was going to be primarily a destination for reminiscing.  It turned out to be much more.

My first job in pediatric oncology was at Arkansas Children's Hospital and I had heard that the hospital had grown tremendously.  It definitely had......to the point it was barely recognizable.  The same could be said for the city.  In fact everything was so different that it was like visiting a place I had never been.  As an example, when I was there, there was one other pediatric oncologist and I.  Now there are eight physicians in the section.  I did hook up with the Section Chief of peds oncology(he was a graduating resident when I arrived in 1982) and he showed me around their inpatient and clinic facilities.  The lab tech who was there back in 1984 was still working there.  Those were the only two people I was able to see whom I had known from before.  Everyone else was either not at work that day or retired, more of the latter. Afterwards I drove around Little Rock and couldn't even find the apartment I lived in!

The real joy of the Little Rock visit was staying with Pastor Wyman Richardson and his wife Roni.  Debbie and I had been to Honduras several times with Wyman and I consider him a good friend even though we have not seen each other in a long time.  He is a brilliant guy with a sarcastic, dry sense of humor who likes to say outrageous things just to get a rise out of you or especially Roni.  I had met Roni before but never spent any time with her.  She has such a sweet spirit and is pretty much the anti-Wyman!  God must have felt sorry for Wyman when He put them together.

All kidding aside, Wyman is a good friend and he is the first person on this journey who really had spent time with Debbie.  He talked of what a sweet person Debbie was, how her smile lit up the room and how she loved those children in Honduras.  We went through the photos from the visitation slide show that Brittany had put together into a book.  Every time I look through that book my eyes water, maybe allergies?

Wyman, Roni and I went out to dinner the night I got to LR and had a great time.  The following night he had a commitment to be on an Arkansas Baptist Convention panel for young people contemplating going into the ministry.  Yesterday morning he took me to a men's group at his church  and then to a class in a Bible college he is teaching.  All three of those experiences, although they were totally not focused on my pursuit of new life, helped me process the things I was going through.  The panel fielded questions about how you know when God is speaking to you and what steps you need to take to respond.  These are the same questions I have been asking myself since Debbie died and I retired.  It was a few days of a lot of prayer and new perspectives being infused into my life.  It reaffirmed that God does indeed have a plan for me and that I am on the right path in seeking His will in my life.

At the panel discussion, one of the preacher's testimony resonated with me. He talked about the call on his life and related it to Moses' call. God had told Moses of the great power He was giving him to show the Egyptians he was legit.  But Moses came up its all these excuses why he wasn't God's man. 10 Moses said to the Lord, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.”

11 The Lord said to him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? 12 Now go;I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.” (Exodus 4).  

I thought, that makes sense for the preacher as he was trying to figure out the call on his life as a young man coming out of college.  But I've already had a career and am in the "autumn" of my life. Plus, I've never done anything other than oncology all my professional life. Then I remembered that Moses was 80 years old when God placed this call on His life.  And God has taken care of me and equipped me even when I wasn't following Him and I'm "only" 65 (almost).  God's got this!

While in Little Rock, one of my former students who went into pediatric oncology posted her gratitude for the kind of mentors my partner, Dr. Kevin, and I were in her life.  Several other former students and residents added their kind words.  It was reaffirming that, even though I have not always been the father, doctor, teacher and husband I would have liked to have been, God used what I did do for good in other peoples' lives.  Then I received a message from Pastor George Crow, a giant of a man physically and spiritually and one of my spiritual heroes.  He spoke love and affirmation into my life which meant so much coming from him.

When I think of all the people whom God is using to lift me up I am humbled and appreciative. My children, my sisters, Pastors Mike and George Crow, former patients and their parents, former students and residents and friends along the way have poured blessing into my life.  All I can say is thank you to them and the Lord!

I am in Kansas City today and tomorrow will travel to Denver to see my sister, Barbara and my daughter Julie, but most importantly, my grandchildren Sophie and Audrey (the kids know their status was lowered to second place when they had children). 

God had been putting Houston on my heart and I have been considering taking a 2300 mile detour to help in the relief effort.  But now with Irma (my mother's name!) bearing down on the southeast I am going to wait and see what happens.  I may actually end up shortening my trip to go back east to help there.  Of course that would have to be after I see the grandchildren in Indiana!

No pictures from this segment of the trip although I did see some beautiful country on the drive from LR to KC.  Tomorrow's drive will be longer and I believe much less scenic.  But I'll still have XM radio and God in the car with me!

Nashville

Nashville, Tennessee, the Music City.  This is another stop on this journey that I have never visited, well at least not in my adult life.  I did come through on my way to visit my sister's when she lived in Texas but I never "did' Nashville.

The ride was a little troublesome as it was raining pretty hard  and there was a lot of traffic on Friday afternoon.  But I got here safe and sound and found my Airbnb.  This time it was a room in a house, not a private little cottage.  But my host was terrific, the room was clean and the bed comfortable so for what more could you ask?  It was right near Lipscomb University which is a small (~4000 students) private Christian school.  So the neighborhood was safe as well.

As I mentioned, I was concerned about being in a city and being more lonely.  There were definitely times when I really missed Debbie and her companionship.  I still take pause anytime I pass a thrift store or a sign for an antique mall or flea market.  But also, I don't know if you are aware, but many country songs are ballads and a LOT of them are about love, and often, love lost (along with your job, your truck and your dog).  Now, most are not about the death of a spouse, but, as with many times in life, interpretation of what you hear, read or see can be altered by circumstances.  There were many times I would tear up when a song bemoaned the loss of the songwriter's girlfriend or wife.  I don't see that going away anytime soon.  But there is a simple emotional equation, the greater the love, the greater the grief.

Back to Music City.  Friday night I went down to Broadway.  Now this is a very touristy area with wall to wall establishments that offer up live music and adult beverages.  And I must say, there was a lot of consumption of both.  Every little place I went the bands were great, the singers sang well, the guitarists, drummers, fiddlers all were excellent, not "karaokeish".  It would seem that country musicians  come to Nashville just like actors go to LA, to get discovered! 

The other side of Broadway has to do with the adult beverages.  As I said, there was  lot of consumption.  And unbeknownst to me prior to my visit, Nashville is the US capital for bachelorette parties.  There were countless groups of young women going from bar to bar, usually with themed costumes or headwear, one of whom wore a sash that said "bride to be" or "the future Mrs. (you fill in the blank).  As a father of four girls I was seriously concerned about these young girls.  They obviously consumed way too much alcohol based on their gait and their actions.  And there were many young men around who looked like foxes in the hen house.  I just pray that girls don't put themselves into situations they will regret later on.

Yesterday I enjoyed watching the South Carolina vs. NC State game on TV.  I had tickets to the Grand Ole Opry so I had to leave in the 4th quarter so I would have time to eat before a 7pm performance.  I went to a BBQ place and got to see the end of the game, a typical Carolina nail biter.  I had stopped going to games several years ago because Debbie didn't like to go and I didn't like the amount of time they took away from our weekends together.  So this was another first, first football game without us in our recliners watching together :-(. 

The GOO was quite a place.  It had been severely damaged in the floods several years ago but was entirely rebuilt in six months.  I was not familiar with any of the performers.  They had an older singer whom I think country music fans might recognize who hosted and performed for each half hour of the two hour show.  And in their half hour they would have young talent who were also very good.  All in all, it was a very entertaining evening.

Today I went to the Country Music hall of Fame.  I took the audio tour which I would not recommend as everything the tape discussed was on the reading material at the exhibits.  I was not surprised how little of the old country music I knew but enjoyed seeing all the costumes, guitars, mandolins and other memorabilia.  I learned that Bob Dylan of the 60's and 70's did a bunch of country and worked with Johnny Cash in Nashville.  This was news to me but after knowing this and listening to some of his songs, it was apparent I just wasn't listening for the country sound.  They also had lots of old video.  There was even one of Dolly Parton before she had enhanced her image!  All in all the hall of fame was worth seeing.

I then walked the seven or so blocks to this little park in front of the courthouse.  There they had a free concert that had initially been planned for the whole weekend but it got rained out.  They had food trucks and vendors.  There were four bands in the time I was there but certainly the highlight of the show was Sheryl Crowe.  And it was all for free!  That little park was packed and Sheryl put on a first class concert including hits like "let's give them something tot talk about", "strong like a man" and several more with which I was familiar.  She is a gifted musician playing multiple instruments and a great performer connecting so well with the audience.  My host even met me there and we Ubered home together.

I had fun in Nashville but it was less a time for reflection and more "doing".  Many times I wished I had Debbie with me to share the experiences although there were several that I know were not her cup of tea.  Still Sundays are difficult days.  September 3rd is 25 weeks since Debbie took her last breath and, most of the time, I'm still trying to catch mine.

I didn't post any pics since they are all on FB.

Off to Little Rock!
                               

Fall Creek Falls State Park

After posting my blog last night I went out to eat at an out of the way restaurant that my Airbnb host recommended.  Only problem was I got there at 8:05 and they close at 8.  They were kind enough to serve me anyway.  It was scrumptious!  Had rainbow trout sprinkled with bacon and bleu cheese over rice with roasted asparagus.  Yummy!

This morning I again had doubts about my planned hike because the remnants of Harvey caused a tremendous downpour all night.  But when I awoke at 7:30 there was sun peaking through the window so I figured I'd get up and at 'em.  It rained on and off as I drove to the park but the hike was never really affected by the rain.  On the way, I was listening to Christian radio and Selah came on with "God bless the broken road that led me straight to you".  The tears were just streaming down my face as I remembered listening to that song while Debbie had her "false alarm" when we thought she was passing the Friday before she died on Sunday.

I made my usual stop at the ranger station for my map and off I went.  This hike was supposed to have a pretty cascade, a huge waterfall and a pretty gorge.  The cascade was at the beginning and it was really nice.  It had been dammed up in the 1800's to reroute the water for a mill to grind mainly corn.  After about forty years the dam washed away in a bad storm and the mill was never rebuilt.

After hanging out there for a bit I went across a cable bridge to get to the rest of the hike.  This was quite a feat for me as when I was a kid, I used to have recurrent dreams of crossing a rope bridge that broke and I fell into a crevasse.  I always woke up before hitting bottom.  Weird, I know.

The pictures I had seen of Fall Creek Falls were amazing I hiked with great anticipation.  There were several overlooks into the gorge that were pretty but the more I hiked the more anxious I was to see this 256 ft high falls with water gushing into the gorge below.  I finally made it to the top overlook and what a disappointment.  It looked like Fall Creek trickle.  And with all the rain we had the night before I couldn't believe how little water "falled". 

There was a strenuous hike into the bottom of the falls and I thought "why would I do that when this is such a piddly waterfall (so to speak)?"  But it was the adventure of climbing into a 256 ft gorge down a pretty steep path made up of moist, slippery rocks.  There were times when I would lose my footing a bit and think what kind of crazy, nearly 65 year old hikes alone down these steep, slippery rocks to get to the bottom of a wimpy waterfall?  Well I want my kids to know I was very careful and there was a railing to hold on to.....most of the way.  And it was the adventure of the process, not the final outcome that was inviting.

I must say that the people I ran into (not literally) in the park were not as nice as the other two parks I visited.  In my time over lunch, it occurred to me that this could have been considered a disappointing day between the wimpy falls and the grumpy people. But it really wasn't.  It still felt great to be outdoors in God's creation, doing some physically challenging stuff and talking with my Creator all the way.  How can you be disappointed with that?

So now I enter a different phase of this journey.  I am in Nashville until Monday.  It's going to be different in a city.  I'm concerned it will be more lonely.  But I believe God can use loneliness too.

Panorama of the gorge

Not a bad selfie!

Cascades

Cable bridge

What the falls are "supposed" to look like

What the falls looked like from the gorge

What the falls looked like from above

Rock formation in the groge

After hiking into the gorge, soaked with sweat.  As we say in F3, a beatdown