It has been a long time since my last post, about 6 weeks. A lot has happened in those six weeks and yet not much has changed.
I had gotten back to church and reconnected with my work family and friends. I had been praying about what God wanted me to do about church. I knew that He wanted me to be involved in a church family but going to the church Debbie and I had attended for years, while being affirmed by the wonderful friends we had made, was so difficult. I just sobbed the whole time I was there. So I have been attending Chapin United Methodist Church. The preaching is excellent and the worship team is outstanding. The first Sunday back at church from the road trip Jodie, the lead pastor, preached on the second of three dangerous prayers (the first was "Search me"), "Break me". Of course that resonated with me as I wondered how much more broken did I need to be? I cried out to God "Really, aren't I broken enough?". The following week, Hugo, the youth pastor preached on "Send me". This message went with my search for figuring out what God wanted me to do from here.
In the mean time, I had been praying that if God wanted me at CUMC that He would open doors for me to connect with some older people at the church (like my age). The initial draw to the church had been through F3 guys who are all a good bit younger than I am. I mentioned this to one of the pastors and he suggested I join a men's bible study that met on Thursday mornings at 8am. So off I went on the Thursday after "Send me" Sunday to see what God had in store.
The bible study was good going line-by-line through the book of Acts and the men were welcoming and warm. Upon completion of the study time came for prayer requests and one gentleman stood and asked for prayer for the Jamaican medical mission team that was to leave that Sunday. It turns out that two of the physicians who had signed up to go had to cancel. One of those was a pediatrician. The Holy Spirit did His number on me and, right after the meeting, I approached the mission team member and told him there was no reason I couldn't go. I had a valid passport and anything I had going on could wait. So we went to the team leader, filled out some paper work and three days later I was on a plane with about 27 other church members on a team of about 35 to Harmons, Manchester Jamaica to serve with the WonbyonetoJamaica.com ministry.
The week was awesome. I worked with a great group of people including a 79 year old pediatrician who has the most genuine smile on her face all the time and an ER doc who was doing his residency when I first arrived in Columbia, a wonderful man of God. In addition, I had 35 new friends/mission family members many of whom were closer to my age and attended CUMC. The work was fun, the devotions were thought provoking and inspiring, the Jamaican people were lovely, it was just a great trip. Will it help me negotiate the landmines I expect will happen when I go to Honduras the first time without Debbie?
The last night of the mission trip was the "debrief" in a hotel in Montego Bay, our transition day. The whole team gathered after dinner and discussed how they felt about the trip and what they had learned. It was a very difficult gathering for me as many expressed their coming reunion with their spouses and family with delight. Don't get me wrong, though I have become quite fond of my two dogs (they're mine now, they were Debbie's) but returning to them isn't quite the same.
The trip had many positives and one of them is that I was invited to participate in a small group, seven of whom were on the trip. They are older than the F3 guys, but not quite my age. Still it is a place where I can belong. Everyone needs to feel like they belong somewhere, right?
Another positive since I returned is that I have made plans to meet Allyson, Tobias and the girls in the Canary Islands this spring. Surely something to look forward to. I also had a guys night out with my one and only grandson which was great fun.
Once again it was great to reunite with my work family. They planned a 70's themed retirement party since there had been no time to get it all together over the summer. It was great fun and I felt totally affirmed by the staff. Brittany and Andrew were able to come from Raleigh and join in the festivities. I am so thankful for the way the staff truly seem happy to see me when I go to do some IT work at the hospital. In addition, my kids continue to check on dear ol' dad and support me in every way they know how. All of this takes some of the sting off the loneliness that so frequently overshadows my soul.
The next time I went to CUMC I got a celestial sucker punch again when the band played "Death Arrested" which is the song we played at Debbie's funeral. If you haven't heard it, you should. Just YouTube "Death Arrested" and click on the acoustic North Point version. It is an awesome song that describes what Debbie experienced when she entered eternity. It is really a happy song but is destined to cause tears to well up whenever I hear it until I'm with Debbie again.
Despite all the positive things I've experienced since retiring, I still have no routine, no place I have to be, no feeling of being needed other than the stuff I do with the clinic. I know I need to be doing for others but haven't discovered what that is. The sadness and loneliness is paralyzing at times and I cry out to God for the Phillipians 4:6 kind of peace but it eludes me. It feels like I am a prisoner of my circumstances, when there's something fun going on I'm happy, when there isn't I am lonely and sad. What I long for is joy in the Lord independent of my circumstances, that I will see Him as all sufficient, that I would revel in His strength while I feel weak. I know that I know that I know that He will never leave me or forsake me but I feel so.........human.
Monday, November 27, 2017
Sunday, October 15, 2017
All Things Must Pass
10/10 I have been spending the last several days with Brittany and Andrew. It was great to see them and surprising to me how much I missed the dogs. We spent a lazy day watching football on Saturday, Sunday went to church and had sushi Sunday night. Yesterday, Brittany and I and two of the dogs went for a hike in the steamy, humid thick air that was Raleigh (will fall ever come?). Last evening Andrew, Brittany and I went out for pizza. Today was a lazy day, I did some work getting back into the hospital IT mode and did some laundry so I would have one less thing to do when I get home. We are all going to a Carolina Hurricanes hockey game, Andrew for "work" in a box and Brittany and I for fun, center ice, lower level.
10/13
The hockey game was a lot of fun even though the Hurricane lost in overtime. The following day, Wednesday, I packed up my stuff, got the dogs settled in the back seat and set out for home. It was very strange, actually emotional to be heading home. The ride home was uneventful. It seemed almost surreal to be driving on familiar roads, heading home when I had been away for nearly seven weeks. The house was in terrific shape thanks to Brent and Stacia (mainly Stacia). It was clean and Stacia had gone through the house and organized everything, a task I found daunting and couldn't bring myself to do before I left.
I had been on this journey to discover what God has planned for me in whatever time He has planned for me to remain on this earth. The journey was great, I got to do a lot of new things (hiking, halls of fame), saw three of my children and spouses and four grandchildren and revisited every place I had ever lived, reconnecting with some people in my life. My hope was that with these three elements, I would have a clearer sense of understanding of where I have been and therefore where I am going. The two major identities that have been Ron Neuberg for the past thirty plus years are husband and pediatric oncologist, neither of which are Ron Neuberg going forward. Through the trip God helped me remember that I am still His child whom He loves (most important), father, grandfather, physician with knowledge to help others, a member of the F3 brotherhood and a person blessed with amazing friends and family who have kept in touch and remained supportive for the past seven months. For these things I am eternally grateful.
10/15
Yesterday I Q'ed (which is F3 lingo for designed and lead the workout) for 8 other guys at Crooked Creek. I had prepared a devotion for the end of the workout but was a hot mess trying to get through it. Basically, I called on God and said that since He allowed my situation to happen, He has the power to remedy it and I'm just going to depend on Him. Then today happened. Sundays are always hard for me because it is the day Debbie and I almost always spent together and went to church. It is also the day of the week she died and every week I count how many weeks have gone by without her on this earth (31 today). I went to Chapin United Methodist Church today as it is still nearly impossible for me to go to New Heights, the church Debbie and I attended together for years. The contemporary music was very worshipful as usual. And as usual, I became quite emotional, thinking abut how much Debbie loved contemporary music and how she is in heaven praising God and how I wish I were there with her. If that weren't enough, Pastor Jodi's sermon was on how we should pray that God would break us so that we can be totally dependent on Him and pour out our lives for Him. I walked in the church feeling broken, wept through the music, then had to keep myself from openly sobbing during the message. Where is my faith if all I can do is mourn when I am in God's house? What good did the trip do if I have no clearer direction afterwards than I had before? Was this all just a way to run away from the pain? I know that God can heal my brokenness but I have no idea how and when.
I used to tell Debbie the best way to get her mind off herself was to do something to help others. I know I have to take my own advice. This journey is not over just because the car is in the garage. The little picture without God's wider perspective is painful. I know I need to have strength and courage, seek God's face because He sees the big picture and He loves me.
10/13
The hockey game was a lot of fun even though the Hurricane lost in overtime. The following day, Wednesday, I packed up my stuff, got the dogs settled in the back seat and set out for home. It was very strange, actually emotional to be heading home. The ride home was uneventful. It seemed almost surreal to be driving on familiar roads, heading home when I had been away for nearly seven weeks. The house was in terrific shape thanks to Brent and Stacia (mainly Stacia). It was clean and Stacia had gone through the house and organized everything, a task I found daunting and couldn't bring myself to do before I left.
I had been on this journey to discover what God has planned for me in whatever time He has planned for me to remain on this earth. The journey was great, I got to do a lot of new things (hiking, halls of fame), saw three of my children and spouses and four grandchildren and revisited every place I had ever lived, reconnecting with some people in my life. My hope was that with these three elements, I would have a clearer sense of understanding of where I have been and therefore where I am going. The two major identities that have been Ron Neuberg for the past thirty plus years are husband and pediatric oncologist, neither of which are Ron Neuberg going forward. Through the trip God helped me remember that I am still His child whom He loves (most important), father, grandfather, physician with knowledge to help others, a member of the F3 brotherhood and a person blessed with amazing friends and family who have kept in touch and remained supportive for the past seven months. For these things I am eternally grateful.
10/15
Yesterday I Q'ed (which is F3 lingo for designed and lead the workout) for 8 other guys at Crooked Creek. I had prepared a devotion for the end of the workout but was a hot mess trying to get through it. Basically, I called on God and said that since He allowed my situation to happen, He has the power to remedy it and I'm just going to depend on Him. Then today happened. Sundays are always hard for me because it is the day Debbie and I almost always spent together and went to church. It is also the day of the week she died and every week I count how many weeks have gone by without her on this earth (31 today). I went to Chapin United Methodist Church today as it is still nearly impossible for me to go to New Heights, the church Debbie and I attended together for years. The contemporary music was very worshipful as usual. And as usual, I became quite emotional, thinking abut how much Debbie loved contemporary music and how she is in heaven praising God and how I wish I were there with her. If that weren't enough, Pastor Jodi's sermon was on how we should pray that God would break us so that we can be totally dependent on Him and pour out our lives for Him. I walked in the church feeling broken, wept through the music, then had to keep myself from openly sobbing during the message. Where is my faith if all I can do is mourn when I am in God's house? What good did the trip do if I have no clearer direction afterwards than I had before? Was this all just a way to run away from the pain? I know that God can heal my brokenness but I have no idea how and when.
I used to tell Debbie the best way to get her mind off herself was to do something to help others. I know I have to take my own advice. This journey is not over just because the car is in the garage. The little picture without God's wider perspective is painful. I know I need to have strength and courage, seek God's face because He sees the big picture and He loves me.
Friday, October 6, 2017
Penny Lane and Memory Lane
It has been nearly two weeks since my last blog post, mainly because I have been so busy. After leaving Courtney and Billy's (and those sweet grandchildren) I traveled to Cleveland. When I used to live in NY, Cleveland was pretty much known as the "mistake on the lake" (Erie that is). I found the city to be quite nice with an enhanced water front, good places to eat and easy to get around. Again, I stayed in an AirBnb which was convenient to the downtown area. My main reason for going there was to visit the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame (therefore the Penny Lane in the title of this post), the second of my HOF adventures. Growing up in the sixties and seventies, it was a fun place for me to visit. Lots of memories of the British invasion and music that I had listened to on vinyl. They had lots of video from concerts and memorabilia including guitars, Elvis' golden Cadillac etc. etc. The saddest part of it is the number of talented artists who died untimely deaths due to the lifestyle of the genre or the inability to handle the fame and fortune or both (see Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Prince and Michael Jackson to name a few). What a waste of talent (I know, some would disagree).
In Cleveland, I also attended an Indian's (? Native American's if I'm going to be PC) baseball game as they were the hottest team in baseball after being in the World Series last year. It's not that I am a huge professional baseball fan, but I am a fan of the game, mainly college. And I like going to new stadiums, eating baseball food and watching the game in person, much more than on TV. I was really tired after spending all day in the HOF so I left early and missed the most exciting part of the game. Oh well.
The following day I drove to Buffalo where I went to medical school and did my residency. I drove around to various places I lived and, most importantly ate my three favorite Buffalo foods there: Bocce Club Pizza, Duff's Buffalo wings and roast beef on a kimmelweck roll with horseradish and au jus. Yummy, yummy, and more yummy. I had connected with a guy, Frank, with whom I was a resident at the Children's Hospital of Hospital. We had a great time at dinner that evening, catching up and reminiscing old times. He also took me on a tour of downtown Buffalo which is making an incredible resurgence with old warehouses being converted into high end apartments and condos. The following day he arranged a tour of the brand new Children's Hospital to which they are moving next month. In addition, the medical school is moving from the main SUNY Buffalo campus 6 miles east of the city center to downtown where the Buffalo General, Roswell Park Cancer Center and Children's Hospital are all together. The whole complex is very impressive and will serve the population of the Buffalo area well.
After the tour I went to Rochester where I grew up and did my own motor tour of the parts of the city memorable to me, the house I grew up in, my old elementary school and high school, the University of Rochester area where I attended for my junior and senior years and other familiar places. I hadn't planned ahead enough to meet anyone who lives there and I was in a time crunch to get to Syracuse. In Syracuse, I had dinner and stayed with a family whose son (or brother), M I cared for when I was a pediatric hematology/oncology fellow. He had passed away the year after I got my first real job in Arkansas and we have remained in contact since. His Mom (M's father died when he was 3 months old), three sisters and one of his brothers took me to a great Italian restaurant. We had a wonderful time catching up, shed some tears over M and Debbie and reconnected in person despite the passing years that had changed our looks and our outlooks.
The following day I took off for Cooperstown to visit my third HOF, the Baseball Hall of Fame. I really didn't know a whole lot about baseball history as I wasn't much of a fan growing up. Throughout the museum though, they had lots of video screens with highlights of plays that made history like Kirk Gibson's pinch hit homerun in the World Series and an unassisted triple play. They also had a running video of the "Who's on first, What's on second" Abbott and Costello routine. The best part of the visit was meeting an elderly gentleman, Dick Hyde who was there with his daughter and her family and his wife. They were taking him around in a wheelchair and he was commenting on players as though he knew them personally. My curiosity overwhelmed my reticence to admit that I had been eavesdropping so I asked his daughter if he had played baseball. Turns out he pitched for the Washington Senators back in the late 50's and had struck out Mickey Mantle! He even has a Wikipedia page. I sheepishly asked him if he would mind if I took his picture and he humbly agreed. It was so fun to hear his stories and see part of the hall of fame through his eyes.
I spent the night in Oneonta and headed the next day to New Paltz where I went to undergrad my first and second years of college. On the way I passed through a little town called Roscoe. They were setting up for a little fall festival with a beer tent from a local craft brewery and smaller tents with crafts and jewelry. I drove right past it thinking, "if Debbie were with me, we would HAVE to stop". I got about a half mile down the road and said to myself, "Self, part of the reason for this trip is to get through some painful firsts." So I turned around and went back. I parked the car in the field behind the tents, locked it and began slowly heading toward the little festival. As I approached I saw a group setting up a stage, probably for music, families walking around with ice cream cones, and older couple holding hands looking through the craft tents. The further I got, the more difficult it was to swallow and my vision blurred as my eyes moistened. I took one trip around, barely looking at the wares that were being sold and trying my best to smile at those I passed along the way. After a trip around the area, I hurried back to the car, opened the door, plopped into the front seat and wept. These firsts are difficult but in my opinion, necessary to the grieving process. I'm glad I did it.....I think.
The drive through the Catskills was beautiful although the leaves weren't changing yet. When I neared New Paltz, I stopped off at Minnewaska State Park. When I was in college there had been a large hotel where I waited tables on the weekends and during the summer between my freshman and sophomore year. The hotel burned down and I had heard they were going to put a Marriott there but the state of NY bought it instead. Taking the winding road to the top of the mountain, I remembered each curve and switchback as I had traveled that same road many times. The lake and surrounding rock formations were beautiful but the water wasn't nearly as blue as it had been. I discovered talking to the "nature guy" that the pH had changed from 4 to 7 for some totally unknown reason. At a pH of 4 no plant or animal life could live in the water and it was crystal clear and deep blue in color. Once the pH went up to 7, plant life, then fish began to inhabit the lake changing the color to a greenish-grey. I hiked around the lake and met several groups of younger people who didn't know the history of the park with the hotel and changes in the lake. In talking, I would bring up my history with the lake 45 years earlier. Hopefully, they enjoyed my tales as much as I enjoyed the pitcher's view in Cooperstown.
That night and the day after I spent with my roommate from college and his wife. They had dated all through college and remain married. S took me on a tour of the campus the next day including the dorm we lived in which was a pit back in the day but looks very nice now. We had a great time talking about old times in school. Additionally we talked about what has happened since school, our families, our challenges and our triumphs, our good decisions and bad. S has kept up with a lot of our friends from back in the day and invited me to the next old guys' reunion. I'm looking forward to it!
After leaving New Paltz, I drove to my next destination, Churchville, MD where my sister, Judy and her husband, Rick live. We had a great time getting together again. This is the third time this year we've seen each other and that's unprecedented. Our time together was delightful and I got to spend time with both of them together and separately. Not to mention, we had some delicious Marylnd crab cakes! (Are you catching the food theme I'm throwing out there?)
In the midst of all this, the news came from Las Vegas about the terrible shootings on the crowd attending the country music festival. Hearing the stories of the people who lost their lives caused me to grieve to the point of sobbing as I thought of the families whose lives were indelibly changed from that moment on. I grieved for them and once again, those emotions laid bare the wound that was and is Debbie's death. I believe my heart is forever tenderized to the sorrow felt by others going through tragedy. It isn't that I think my grief is the same as theirs, it's that God has placed within me a grief tuning fork that resonates whenever I think about another person's loss. In the story of His friend, Lazarus dying prior to his arrival onto the scene, Jesus saw the sadness experienced by his friends, Mary and Martha. In John 11:33-35 it says "When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 'Where have you laid him?' he asked. 'Come and see, Lord,' they replied." And in the shortest verse in the bible, verse 35 says "Jesus wept." Even though He knew all that had happened and knew that He was about to perform a miracle resurrection, He felt such compassion for His friends' deep sorrow, that He wept. Hopefully, I can be an open vessel to be used by God, not to miraculously save others from the circumstances in life that cause them to grieve but to come along side of others and meet them where they are in their sadness. I'm not sure I'm ready for that right now, no one needs help from someone blubbering over their own loss.
Sorry for the length of this post, but it's what's on my heart today. There are lots of pictures from all of this on Facebook that I won't repost here. Right now I'm at Brittany and Andrew's for my last stop before returning home. Then what? I have no idea!!!
In Cleveland, I also attended an Indian's (? Native American's if I'm going to be PC) baseball game as they were the hottest team in baseball after being in the World Series last year. It's not that I am a huge professional baseball fan, but I am a fan of the game, mainly college. And I like going to new stadiums, eating baseball food and watching the game in person, much more than on TV. I was really tired after spending all day in the HOF so I left early and missed the most exciting part of the game. Oh well.
The following day I drove to Buffalo where I went to medical school and did my residency. I drove around to various places I lived and, most importantly ate my three favorite Buffalo foods there: Bocce Club Pizza, Duff's Buffalo wings and roast beef on a kimmelweck roll with horseradish and au jus. Yummy, yummy, and more yummy. I had connected with a guy, Frank, with whom I was a resident at the Children's Hospital of Hospital. We had a great time at dinner that evening, catching up and reminiscing old times. He also took me on a tour of downtown Buffalo which is making an incredible resurgence with old warehouses being converted into high end apartments and condos. The following day he arranged a tour of the brand new Children's Hospital to which they are moving next month. In addition, the medical school is moving from the main SUNY Buffalo campus 6 miles east of the city center to downtown where the Buffalo General, Roswell Park Cancer Center and Children's Hospital are all together. The whole complex is very impressive and will serve the population of the Buffalo area well.
After the tour I went to Rochester where I grew up and did my own motor tour of the parts of the city memorable to me, the house I grew up in, my old elementary school and high school, the University of Rochester area where I attended for my junior and senior years and other familiar places. I hadn't planned ahead enough to meet anyone who lives there and I was in a time crunch to get to Syracuse. In Syracuse, I had dinner and stayed with a family whose son (or brother), M I cared for when I was a pediatric hematology/oncology fellow. He had passed away the year after I got my first real job in Arkansas and we have remained in contact since. His Mom (M's father died when he was 3 months old), three sisters and one of his brothers took me to a great Italian restaurant. We had a wonderful time catching up, shed some tears over M and Debbie and reconnected in person despite the passing years that had changed our looks and our outlooks.
The following day I took off for Cooperstown to visit my third HOF, the Baseball Hall of Fame. I really didn't know a whole lot about baseball history as I wasn't much of a fan growing up. Throughout the museum though, they had lots of video screens with highlights of plays that made history like Kirk Gibson's pinch hit homerun in the World Series and an unassisted triple play. They also had a running video of the "Who's on first, What's on second" Abbott and Costello routine. The best part of the visit was meeting an elderly gentleman, Dick Hyde who was there with his daughter and her family and his wife. They were taking him around in a wheelchair and he was commenting on players as though he knew them personally. My curiosity overwhelmed my reticence to admit that I had been eavesdropping so I asked his daughter if he had played baseball. Turns out he pitched for the Washington Senators back in the late 50's and had struck out Mickey Mantle! He even has a Wikipedia page. I sheepishly asked him if he would mind if I took his picture and he humbly agreed. It was so fun to hear his stories and see part of the hall of fame through his eyes.
I spent the night in Oneonta and headed the next day to New Paltz where I went to undergrad my first and second years of college. On the way I passed through a little town called Roscoe. They were setting up for a little fall festival with a beer tent from a local craft brewery and smaller tents with crafts and jewelry. I drove right past it thinking, "if Debbie were with me, we would HAVE to stop". I got about a half mile down the road and said to myself, "Self, part of the reason for this trip is to get through some painful firsts." So I turned around and went back. I parked the car in the field behind the tents, locked it and began slowly heading toward the little festival. As I approached I saw a group setting up a stage, probably for music, families walking around with ice cream cones, and older couple holding hands looking through the craft tents. The further I got, the more difficult it was to swallow and my vision blurred as my eyes moistened. I took one trip around, barely looking at the wares that were being sold and trying my best to smile at those I passed along the way. After a trip around the area, I hurried back to the car, opened the door, plopped into the front seat and wept. These firsts are difficult but in my opinion, necessary to the grieving process. I'm glad I did it.....I think.
The drive through the Catskills was beautiful although the leaves weren't changing yet. When I neared New Paltz, I stopped off at Minnewaska State Park. When I was in college there had been a large hotel where I waited tables on the weekends and during the summer between my freshman and sophomore year. The hotel burned down and I had heard they were going to put a Marriott there but the state of NY bought it instead. Taking the winding road to the top of the mountain, I remembered each curve and switchback as I had traveled that same road many times. The lake and surrounding rock formations were beautiful but the water wasn't nearly as blue as it had been. I discovered talking to the "nature guy" that the pH had changed from 4 to 7 for some totally unknown reason. At a pH of 4 no plant or animal life could live in the water and it was crystal clear and deep blue in color. Once the pH went up to 7, plant life, then fish began to inhabit the lake changing the color to a greenish-grey. I hiked around the lake and met several groups of younger people who didn't know the history of the park with the hotel and changes in the lake. In talking, I would bring up my history with the lake 45 years earlier. Hopefully, they enjoyed my tales as much as I enjoyed the pitcher's view in Cooperstown.
That night and the day after I spent with my roommate from college and his wife. They had dated all through college and remain married. S took me on a tour of the campus the next day including the dorm we lived in which was a pit back in the day but looks very nice now. We had a great time talking about old times in school. Additionally we talked about what has happened since school, our families, our challenges and our triumphs, our good decisions and bad. S has kept up with a lot of our friends from back in the day and invited me to the next old guys' reunion. I'm looking forward to it!
After leaving New Paltz, I drove to my next destination, Churchville, MD where my sister, Judy and her husband, Rick live. We had a great time getting together again. This is the third time this year we've seen each other and that's unprecedented. Our time together was delightful and I got to spend time with both of them together and separately. Not to mention, we had some delicious Marylnd crab cakes! (Are you catching the food theme I'm throwing out there?)
In the midst of all this, the news came from Las Vegas about the terrible shootings on the crowd attending the country music festival. Hearing the stories of the people who lost their lives caused me to grieve to the point of sobbing as I thought of the families whose lives were indelibly changed from that moment on. I grieved for them and once again, those emotions laid bare the wound that was and is Debbie's death. I believe my heart is forever tenderized to the sorrow felt by others going through tragedy. It isn't that I think my grief is the same as theirs, it's that God has placed within me a grief tuning fork that resonates whenever I think about another person's loss. In the story of His friend, Lazarus dying prior to his arrival onto the scene, Jesus saw the sadness experienced by his friends, Mary and Martha. In John 11:33-35 it says "When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 'Where have you laid him?' he asked. 'Come and see, Lord,' they replied." And in the shortest verse in the bible, verse 35 says "Jesus wept." Even though He knew all that had happened and knew that He was about to perform a miracle resurrection, He felt such compassion for His friends' deep sorrow, that He wept. Hopefully, I can be an open vessel to be used by God, not to miraculously save others from the circumstances in life that cause them to grieve but to come along side of others and meet them where they are in their sadness. I'm not sure I'm ready for that right now, no one needs help from someone blubbering over their own loss.
Sorry for the length of this post, but it's what's on my heart today. There are lots of pictures from all of this on Facebook that I won't repost here. Right now I'm at Brittany and Andrew's for my last stop before returning home. Then what? I have no idea!!!
Sunday, September 24, 2017
Minneapolis, New Carlisle
It's been over a week since I last posted. Did you miss me??
After doing the Badlands and having breakfast in Wall Drug, in Wall, SD (a large former drug store that is a huge souvenir shop which Debbie would have loved!). I teared up as I passed the jewelry counter as I would have spent forty-five minutes there had Debbie been with me. In days of old, I would have thought those would be tears of joy but they were, in fact, tears of missing her. Monday, September 18, I took the long drive across South Dakota then headed north to Minneapolis. There, my accommodations were quite unique. I stayed in an Airbnb in downtown Minneapolis that is over a hundred years old and has its own website (www.300Clifton.com)! It was in walking distance to downtown and a very nice park brandishing of Minnesota's 10,000 lakes (or pond).
Tuesday morning was a tough one for me. There are just days that I miss Debbie even more than usual. I began to question why I was doing this journey at all and really didn't feel like going anywhere. I had made contact prior to the trip with SE who was a news anchor in Columbia and moved to Minneapolis. She had offered to show me around and, even though I didn't feel up for it, we met up around 1:30 that afternoon. After a delicious lunch we "did" Minneapolis. Walking all over town, she showed me the Target's world corporate headquarters, the venue where Prince (and many others) got their start, the new Vikings stadium where the Super Bowl will be played this season, a beautiful theater building overlooking the Mississippi River.
In addition to all the sights, we had some great conversation. Her father had passed away last October, very suddenly, after having been in Minneapolis two weeks before. We talked about the differences between sudden and expected loss, about losing a parent vs. losing a spouse, relying on family and friends for support and how unsupportive some people can be, even when they mean well. So many similarities, yet so many differences. It was a fun and profitable time and certainly improved the foul mood I was in that morning. Pics from that time are on Facebook.
The following day I bid 300 Clifton and Minneapolis adieu and had, to this point, the most arduous drive of the trip to New Carlisle, Indiana to see Courtney, Billy, Noelle (nearly 4 yrs. old) and Holly (nearly 2 yrs. old). The trip was made more challenging as I travelled through Chicago during afternoon rush hour. It was the most welcome arrival of the trip thus far because of the traffic and anxiety of trying to follow the GPS with all the construction going on.
The past five days at Courtney's have been great. New Carlisle is a sleepy, little town in northwest Indiana, about 2.5 hours east of Chicago, 20 minutes north of South Bend, fifteen minutes south of the Michigan border and about two minutes from corn fields in any direction. They live in a two story brick house that was built in 1887 on a corner lot with beautiful, old, dark knotty wooden floors. The house has been redone to include indoor plumbing with a bedroom being converted into a bathroom (footed tub in the middle of the room) and A/C on the second floor. The latter was key for my visit due to the 90+ degree heat that visited the area for the entire length of my stay! Billy has done incredible work in redoing gardens and landscaping that had obviously been long neglected. Their house seems to be a central play area for a lot of the neighborhood children (and their parents)!
Noelle and Holly are the grandchildren with whom I have had the least contact so it was great to spend time with them. They are adorable and growing so quickly. The last time I saw them was when Debbie and I visited last October when they were living in the Hyde Park area of Chicago. New Carlisle, the old, expansive house and the friends they have made suit their family much better than the 700 square foot, 6th floor apartment they lived in previously. Much of my stay was focused on playing with the kids, staying cool, eating and hanging out with Courtney and Billy and their friends and their kids. One day I took Courtney on a "how to shop Costco" trip along with getting my car serviced at the Toyota dealer ( I have put 5,000 miles on my car thus far on this trip!). Yesterday we all went to a little town in Michigan and had lunch and today, we went to South Bend to attend church at the Notre Dame Basilica. Although I'm not Catholic, I am always impressed with the reverence of their services. I also had to get a picture of "Touchdown Jesus".
Tomorrow is another goodbye and another adventure. I am beginning to reflect on the end of this trip and what comes next. My mission is to be in the center of God's will. I was reading out of James this week, a book that gives practical life advice. In James 1, he talks about how we should be joyful in facing trials as they strengthen our faith which causes us to persevere and become mature believers. In verses 5-6a he says "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt". Wisdom is seeing the world from God's perspective. So when I pray that God will show me His way for my life, I can count on an answer from Him as long as I believe in my heart of hearts that He will answer.
After doing the Badlands and having breakfast in Wall Drug, in Wall, SD (a large former drug store that is a huge souvenir shop which Debbie would have loved!). I teared up as I passed the jewelry counter as I would have spent forty-five minutes there had Debbie been with me. In days of old, I would have thought those would be tears of joy but they were, in fact, tears of missing her. Monday, September 18, I took the long drive across South Dakota then headed north to Minneapolis. There, my accommodations were quite unique. I stayed in an Airbnb in downtown Minneapolis that is over a hundred years old and has its own website (www.300Clifton.com)! It was in walking distance to downtown and a very nice park brandishing of Minnesota's 10,000 lakes (or pond).
Tuesday morning was a tough one for me. There are just days that I miss Debbie even more than usual. I began to question why I was doing this journey at all and really didn't feel like going anywhere. I had made contact prior to the trip with SE who was a news anchor in Columbia and moved to Minneapolis. She had offered to show me around and, even though I didn't feel up for it, we met up around 1:30 that afternoon. After a delicious lunch we "did" Minneapolis. Walking all over town, she showed me the Target's world corporate headquarters, the venue where Prince (and many others) got their start, the new Vikings stadium where the Super Bowl will be played this season, a beautiful theater building overlooking the Mississippi River.
In addition to all the sights, we had some great conversation. Her father had passed away last October, very suddenly, after having been in Minneapolis two weeks before. We talked about the differences between sudden and expected loss, about losing a parent vs. losing a spouse, relying on family and friends for support and how unsupportive some people can be, even when they mean well. So many similarities, yet so many differences. It was a fun and profitable time and certainly improved the foul mood I was in that morning. Pics from that time are on Facebook.
The following day I bid 300 Clifton and Minneapolis adieu and had, to this point, the most arduous drive of the trip to New Carlisle, Indiana to see Courtney, Billy, Noelle (nearly 4 yrs. old) and Holly (nearly 2 yrs. old). The trip was made more challenging as I travelled through Chicago during afternoon rush hour. It was the most welcome arrival of the trip thus far because of the traffic and anxiety of trying to follow the GPS with all the construction going on.
The past five days at Courtney's have been great. New Carlisle is a sleepy, little town in northwest Indiana, about 2.5 hours east of Chicago, 20 minutes north of South Bend, fifteen minutes south of the Michigan border and about two minutes from corn fields in any direction. They live in a two story brick house that was built in 1887 on a corner lot with beautiful, old, dark knotty wooden floors. The house has been redone to include indoor plumbing with a bedroom being converted into a bathroom (footed tub in the middle of the room) and A/C on the second floor. The latter was key for my visit due to the 90+ degree heat that visited the area for the entire length of my stay! Billy has done incredible work in redoing gardens and landscaping that had obviously been long neglected. Their house seems to be a central play area for a lot of the neighborhood children (and their parents)!
Noelle and Holly are the grandchildren with whom I have had the least contact so it was great to spend time with them. They are adorable and growing so quickly. The last time I saw them was when Debbie and I visited last October when they were living in the Hyde Park area of Chicago. New Carlisle, the old, expansive house and the friends they have made suit their family much better than the 700 square foot, 6th floor apartment they lived in previously. Much of my stay was focused on playing with the kids, staying cool, eating and hanging out with Courtney and Billy and their friends and their kids. One day I took Courtney on a "how to shop Costco" trip along with getting my car serviced at the Toyota dealer ( I have put 5,000 miles on my car thus far on this trip!). Yesterday we all went to a little town in Michigan and had lunch and today, we went to South Bend to attend church at the Notre Dame Basilica. Although I'm not Catholic, I am always impressed with the reverence of their services. I also had to get a picture of "Touchdown Jesus".
Tomorrow is another goodbye and another adventure. I am beginning to reflect on the end of this trip and what comes next. My mission is to be in the center of God's will. I was reading out of James this week, a book that gives practical life advice. In James 1, he talks about how we should be joyful in facing trials as they strengthen our faith which causes us to persevere and become mature believers. In verses 5-6a he says "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt". Wisdom is seeing the world from God's perspective. So when I pray that God will show me His way for my life, I can count on an answer from Him as long as I believe in my heart of hearts that He will answer.
 |
| Wall Drug |
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| Touchdown Jesus! |
Saturday, September 16, 2017
Hanging Lake, Independence Pass, Wyoming, South Dakota
Wednesday, September 13, I went on an unscheduled excursion. Julie and Paul had told me that one of their favorite hikes was three hours west of Denver, near Glenwood Springs, CO. So I decided to go there. Now this may not seem like a big deal. On this trip, I have discovered my inner flexible, impulsive self. I have never really been a spur of the moment kind of person but I believe God is showing me how to lighten up and that the schedule isn't as important as the experience. It's much easier to do when you're in the retirement season of life, at least for now. Many have warned me that I'll be busier than when I worked. That's hard to believe but we'll see.
The ride to Hanging Lake was pretty, going through the mountains on "The 70" as Julie called it and Interstate 70 as I would call it! I was warned to get there before 9am because the parking lot fills up quickly. I arrived at 9:30 and there were plenty of parking spaces. There was a short walk along the Colorado River and then the trail took off into the mountain. The hike was strenuous, 1000 ft rise in elevation in a one way 3/4 mile hike not to mention the lake was at over 7,000 ft, so the air was pretty thin for this 65 year old sea level dweller! Thanks to F3 step ups and squats my quads were up to the task.
The lake and rock-spouting waterfall were absolutely gorgeous, as good as advertised. I stayed there for about an hour eating a sandwich, drinking water and reading my bible. I was reading Psalm 78 and it was so cool. The beginning talks about remembering God's goodness and faithfulness when we fall upon hard times. It is so easy to forget how he has blessed me in the past while struggling with loss and grief. Then came verses 19-20 "They spoke against God; they said, “Can God really spread a table in the wilderness? True, he struck the rock, and water gushed out, streams flowed abundantly, but can he also give us bread? Can he supply meat for his people?” God not only supplied water, but manna and meat. He supplies all our needs according to His riches and glory.(from Phillipians 4:19). Whenever I feel hopeless I need to remember the rock water spout.
The ride to Hanging Lake was pretty, going through the mountains on "The 70" as Julie called it and Interstate 70 as I would call it! I was warned to get there before 9am because the parking lot fills up quickly. I arrived at 9:30 and there were plenty of parking spaces. There was a short walk along the Colorado River and then the trail took off into the mountain. The hike was strenuous, 1000 ft rise in elevation in a one way 3/4 mile hike not to mention the lake was at over 7,000 ft, so the air was pretty thin for this 65 year old sea level dweller! Thanks to F3 step ups and squats my quads were up to the task.
The lake and rock-spouting waterfall were absolutely gorgeous, as good as advertised. I stayed there for about an hour eating a sandwich, drinking water and reading my bible. I was reading Psalm 78 and it was so cool. The beginning talks about remembering God's goodness and faithfulness when we fall upon hard times. It is so easy to forget how he has blessed me in the past while struggling with loss and grief. Then came verses 19-20 "They spoke against God; they said, “Can God really spread a table in the wilderness? True, he struck the rock, and water gushed out, streams flowed abundantly, but can he also give us bread? Can he supply meat for his people?” God not only supplied water, but manna and meat. He supplies all our needs according to His riches and glory.(from Phillipians 4:19). Whenever I feel hopeless I need to remember the rock water spout.
After the hike, I found my Airbnb, went to dinner and was so tired I couldn't even go to the hot springs in town which is where Glenwood Springs got its name.
The following day I decided to take a long drive up to Aspen, through the Independence Pass which is part of the western continental divide. All of the water west of the divide flows eventually into the Pacific Ocean and all the water east of it into the Atlantic. The landscapes were beautiful and the aspen leave were changing so they shone bright yellow amongst the evergreens. There were some neat small mountain towns like Leadville that looked like something out of the 1800's. I arrived at Julie's in time for dinner and my last night with her family. It was such a great stay with them.
Yesterday I drove up to a place call Vedauvoo in Wyoming. It is a large rock formation in the middle of a flat expanse of land. The rocks were beautiful and inviting so I had to do some climbing. Pics are on Facebook if you are interested. I had intended to go to Devil's Tower but didn't realize it was over five hours from Vedauvoo to Sundance where I spent the night. So I got on the I25 and drove....and I drove....and I drove. Eastern Wyoming is flat, brown and windswept. The mountains off to the west were pretty and I could watch as storms traversed the horizon. On this northern prairie, there were cows, sheep, antelope and oil rigs with occasional houses peppered along the way. To accommodate snow storms there are signs that warn drivers that if its lights are blinking one must exit the highway as it is closed. The same signs were in the Rockies. These are things we just don't see in SC.
The Airbnb I stayed at last night was owned by an older couple who were so sweet and kind. They even provided eggs, toast and coffee for breakfast, a nice surprise as this is not a routine in Airbnb's. It got down to 32 degrees last night and has been in the 40's all day today. I said good bye to Wyoming and rode down to South Dakota's Custer State Park. I learned (or relearned) that this is not where Custer's last stand was, that was in Montana! Anyway I went on the scenic drive through the park but its effect was dampened, so to speak, by thick fog and 45 degree drizzle. I did get to see buffalo, donkeys, antelope and prairie dogs.
Today was the first day that my mood was about as lousy as the weather. I just really missed Debbie a lot and felt very lonely. But that's one of the main reasons for this journey. To feel the loss, deal with the loneliness and realize that I can get through it. I thank God for His provision through this time of transition.
Monday, September 11, 2017
Birthday in Denver
I arrived in Denver on Friday afternoon after a nine hour drive that surprisingly didn't bother me at all. I never realized that there are windmill farms and oil derricks in Kansas. One remarkable place I passed had a field of sunflowers as far as the eye could see. Just gorgeous but going 75mph (or maybe 83) it was too difficult to stop on the shoulder to get a pic. That was about the only pretty landscape in Kansas. The other oddity of the ride is that there are no real foothills to the Rocky Mountains. Denver is a mile high but it was all so gradual an incline going though eastern Colorado, it didn't feel like I was going up!
The first night my younger sister and I went out for dinner at the restaurant where my daughter, Julie is the sous chef. We had a wild boar ragu which was amazing. Julie demonstrated her culinary skills when Debbie was on hospice and all the kids were staying at the house. She got a masters degree in biochemistry but found that she loved and was skilled in cooking and baking. She transitioned from the science laboratory to the kitchen and loves that work so much more and it shows. It's not what I envisioned for her but that just shows that dads don't always have the correct vision for their children!
Saturday Julie, her husband, the two girls and I went to the Garden of the gods. It is a beautiful park near Colorado Springs south of Denver. The girls are really good hikers and we had a wonderful time. That night Julie made home made pulled pork sliders, cole slaw with home made dressing and salad. Yum! Best BBQ yet!!
Yesterday was another Sunday, my hardest day of the week and on top of that my 65th birthday. It has been 26 weeks since Debbie died. As the days have become weeks and the weeks have become months, the burden has not lessened much if any. My eyes moisten just writing these words. I received countless Facebook messages, texts and phone calls from family, work family and friends and yet, the one I didn't get was Debbie's sweet birthday card. As thankful as I am that Debbie is no longer suffering, the pain of her absence is nearly stifling at times. When this pain seems to be a mountain I can't climb, I know I must lean on the Lord as He says in Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
However, it was amazing the number of people who lifted me up yesterday. Social media certainly has its negatives but I heard from friends, family, work family, former residents and students, and patients and their parents. Not only that, there is a former patient who lives is Denver and has a three year old daughter (a miracle in and of itself) who took me out for brunch. It was so great to see her and catch up! Plus, Julie had a birthday party for me attended nephew, his wife and their six week old twins! The food and birthday cake (my two granddaughters helped make it) were delicious. The day was clearly a combination of bitter and sweet.
Today we went to the kids' school as they had a Run for Funds. It was so fun to be a part of their every day life. Loving being with Julie and the kids in their town, something I haven't done for six years!
The first night my younger sister and I went out for dinner at the restaurant where my daughter, Julie is the sous chef. We had a wild boar ragu which was amazing. Julie demonstrated her culinary skills when Debbie was on hospice and all the kids were staying at the house. She got a masters degree in biochemistry but found that she loved and was skilled in cooking and baking. She transitioned from the science laboratory to the kitchen and loves that work so much more and it shows. It's not what I envisioned for her but that just shows that dads don't always have the correct vision for their children!
Saturday Julie, her husband, the two girls and I went to the Garden of the gods. It is a beautiful park near Colorado Springs south of Denver. The girls are really good hikers and we had a wonderful time. That night Julie made home made pulled pork sliders, cole slaw with home made dressing and salad. Yum! Best BBQ yet!!
Yesterday was another Sunday, my hardest day of the week and on top of that my 65th birthday. It has been 26 weeks since Debbie died. As the days have become weeks and the weeks have become months, the burden has not lessened much if any. My eyes moisten just writing these words. I received countless Facebook messages, texts and phone calls from family, work family and friends and yet, the one I didn't get was Debbie's sweet birthday card. As thankful as I am that Debbie is no longer suffering, the pain of her absence is nearly stifling at times. When this pain seems to be a mountain I can't climb, I know I must lean on the Lord as He says in Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
However, it was amazing the number of people who lifted me up yesterday. Social media certainly has its negatives but I heard from friends, family, work family, former residents and students, and patients and their parents. Not only that, there is a former patient who lives is Denver and has a three year old daughter (a miracle in and of itself) who took me out for brunch. It was so great to see her and catch up! Plus, Julie had a birthday party for me attended nephew, his wife and their six week old twins! The food and birthday cake (my two granddaughters helped make it) were delicious. The day was clearly a combination of bitter and sweet.
Thursday, September 7, 2017
Little Rock
My adventure continued in Little Rock, Arkansas. My anticipation was that this was going to be primarily a destination for reminiscing. It turned out to be much more.
My first job in pediatric oncology was at Arkansas Children's Hospital and I had heard that the hospital had grown tremendously. It definitely had......to the point it was barely recognizable. The same could be said for the city. In fact everything was so different that it was like visiting a place I had never been. As an example, when I was there, there was one other pediatric oncologist and I. Now there are eight physicians in the section. I did hook up with the Section Chief of peds oncology(he was a graduating resident when I arrived in 1982) and he showed me around their inpatient and clinic facilities. The lab tech who was there back in 1984 was still working there. Those were the only two people I was able to see whom I had known from before. Everyone else was either not at work that day or retired, more of the latter. Afterwards I drove around Little Rock and couldn't even find the apartment I lived in!
The real joy of the Little Rock visit was staying with Pastor Wyman Richardson and his wife Roni. Debbie and I had been to Honduras several times with Wyman and I consider him a good friend even though we have not seen each other in a long time. He is a brilliant guy with a sarcastic, dry sense of humor who likes to say outrageous things just to get a rise out of you or especially Roni. I had met Roni before but never spent any time with her. She has such a sweet spirit and is pretty much the anti-Wyman! God must have felt sorry for Wyman when He put them together.
All kidding aside, Wyman is a good friend and he is the first person on this journey who really had spent time with Debbie. He talked of what a sweet person Debbie was, how her smile lit up the room and how she loved those children in Honduras. We went through the photos from the visitation slide show that Brittany had put together into a book. Every time I look through that book my eyes water, maybe allergies?
Wyman, Roni and I went out to dinner the night I got to LR and had a great time. The following night he had a commitment to be on an Arkansas Baptist Convention panel for young people contemplating going into the ministry. Yesterday morning he took me to a men's group at his church and then to a class in a Bible college he is teaching. All three of those experiences, although they were totally not focused on my pursuit of new life, helped me process the things I was going through. The panel fielded questions about how you know when God is speaking to you and what steps you need to take to respond. These are the same questions I have been asking myself since Debbie died and I retired. It was a few days of a lot of prayer and new perspectives being infused into my life. It reaffirmed that God does indeed have a plan for me and that I am on the right path in seeking His will in my life.
At the panel discussion, one of the preacher's testimony resonated with me. He talked about the call on his life and related it to Moses' call. God had told Moses of the great power He was giving him to show the Egyptians he was legit. But Moses came up its all these excuses why he wasn't God's man. 10 Moses said to the Lord, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.”
While in Little Rock, one of my former students who went into pediatric oncology posted her gratitude for the kind of mentors my partner, Dr. Kevin, and I were in her life. Several other former students and residents added their kind words. It was reaffirming that, even though I have not always been the father, doctor, teacher and husband I would have liked to have been, God used what I did do for good in other peoples' lives. Then I received a message from Pastor George Crow, a giant of a man physically and spiritually and one of my spiritual heroes. He spoke love and affirmation into my life which meant so much coming from him.
When I think of all the people whom God is using to lift me up I am humbled and appreciative. My children, my sisters, Pastors Mike and George Crow, former patients and their parents, former students and residents and friends along the way have poured blessing into my life. All I can say is thank you to them and the Lord!
I am in Kansas City today and tomorrow will travel to Denver to see my sister, Barbara and my daughter Julie, but most importantly, my grandchildren Sophie and Audrey (the kids know their status was lowered to second place when they had children).
God had been putting Houston on my heart and I have been considering taking a 2300 mile detour to help in the relief effort. But now with Irma (my mother's name!) bearing down on the southeast I am going to wait and see what happens. I may actually end up shortening my trip to go back east to help there. Of course that would have to be after I see the grandchildren in Indiana!
No pictures from this segment of the trip although I did see some beautiful country on the drive from LR to KC. Tomorrow's drive will be longer and I believe much less scenic. But I'll still have XM radio and God in the car with me!
My first job in pediatric oncology was at Arkansas Children's Hospital and I had heard that the hospital had grown tremendously. It definitely had......to the point it was barely recognizable. The same could be said for the city. In fact everything was so different that it was like visiting a place I had never been. As an example, when I was there, there was one other pediatric oncologist and I. Now there are eight physicians in the section. I did hook up with the Section Chief of peds oncology(he was a graduating resident when I arrived in 1982) and he showed me around their inpatient and clinic facilities. The lab tech who was there back in 1984 was still working there. Those were the only two people I was able to see whom I had known from before. Everyone else was either not at work that day or retired, more of the latter. Afterwards I drove around Little Rock and couldn't even find the apartment I lived in!
The real joy of the Little Rock visit was staying with Pastor Wyman Richardson and his wife Roni. Debbie and I had been to Honduras several times with Wyman and I consider him a good friend even though we have not seen each other in a long time. He is a brilliant guy with a sarcastic, dry sense of humor who likes to say outrageous things just to get a rise out of you or especially Roni. I had met Roni before but never spent any time with her. She has such a sweet spirit and is pretty much the anti-Wyman! God must have felt sorry for Wyman when He put them together.
All kidding aside, Wyman is a good friend and he is the first person on this journey who really had spent time with Debbie. He talked of what a sweet person Debbie was, how her smile lit up the room and how she loved those children in Honduras. We went through the photos from the visitation slide show that Brittany had put together into a book. Every time I look through that book my eyes water, maybe allergies?
Wyman, Roni and I went out to dinner the night I got to LR and had a great time. The following night he had a commitment to be on an Arkansas Baptist Convention panel for young people contemplating going into the ministry. Yesterday morning he took me to a men's group at his church and then to a class in a Bible college he is teaching. All three of those experiences, although they were totally not focused on my pursuit of new life, helped me process the things I was going through. The panel fielded questions about how you know when God is speaking to you and what steps you need to take to respond. These are the same questions I have been asking myself since Debbie died and I retired. It was a few days of a lot of prayer and new perspectives being infused into my life. It reaffirmed that God does indeed have a plan for me and that I am on the right path in seeking His will in my life.
At the panel discussion, one of the preacher's testimony resonated with me. He talked about the call on his life and related it to Moses' call. God had told Moses of the great power He was giving him to show the Egyptians he was legit. But Moses came up its all these excuses why he wasn't God's man. 10 Moses said to the Lord, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.”
11 The Lord said to him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? 12 Now go;I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.” (Exodus 4).
I thought, that makes sense for the preacher as he was trying to figure out the call on his life as a young man coming out of college. But I've already had a career and am in the "autumn" of my life. Plus, I've never done anything other than oncology all my professional life. Then I remembered that Moses was 80 years old when God placed this call on His life. And God has taken care of me and equipped me even when I wasn't following Him and I'm "only" 65 (almost). God's got this!While in Little Rock, one of my former students who went into pediatric oncology posted her gratitude for the kind of mentors my partner, Dr. Kevin, and I were in her life. Several other former students and residents added their kind words. It was reaffirming that, even though I have not always been the father, doctor, teacher and husband I would have liked to have been, God used what I did do for good in other peoples' lives. Then I received a message from Pastor George Crow, a giant of a man physically and spiritually and one of my spiritual heroes. He spoke love and affirmation into my life which meant so much coming from him.
When I think of all the people whom God is using to lift me up I am humbled and appreciative. My children, my sisters, Pastors Mike and George Crow, former patients and their parents, former students and residents and friends along the way have poured blessing into my life. All I can say is thank you to them and the Lord!
I am in Kansas City today and tomorrow will travel to Denver to see my sister, Barbara and my daughter Julie, but most importantly, my grandchildren Sophie and Audrey (the kids know their status was lowered to second place when they had children).
God had been putting Houston on my heart and I have been considering taking a 2300 mile detour to help in the relief effort. But now with Irma (my mother's name!) bearing down on the southeast I am going to wait and see what happens. I may actually end up shortening my trip to go back east to help there. Of course that would have to be after I see the grandchildren in Indiana!
No pictures from this segment of the trip although I did see some beautiful country on the drive from LR to KC. Tomorrow's drive will be longer and I believe much less scenic. But I'll still have XM radio and God in the car with me!
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