All Things Must Pass

10/10 I have been spending the last several days with Brittany and Andrew.  It was great to see them and surprising to me how much I missed the dogs.  We spent a lazy day watching football on Saturday, Sunday went to church and had sushi Sunday night.  Yesterday, Brittany and I and two of the dogs went for a hike in the steamy, humid thick air that was Raleigh (will fall ever come?).  Last evening Andrew, Brittany and I went out for pizza.  Today was a lazy day, I did some work getting back into the hospital IT mode and did some laundry so I would have one less thing to do when I get home.  We are all going to a Carolina Hurricanes hockey game, Andrew for "work" in a box and Brittany and I for fun, center ice, lower level.

10/13
The hockey game was a lot of fun even though the Hurricane lost in overtime.  The following day, Wednesday, I packed up my stuff, got the dogs settled in the back seat and set out for home.  It was very strange, actually emotional to be heading home.  The ride home was uneventful.  It seemed almost surreal to be driving on familiar roads, heading home when I had been away for nearly seven weeks.  The house was in terrific shape thanks to Brent and Stacia (mainly Stacia).  It was clean and Stacia had gone through the house and organized everything, a task I found daunting and couldn't bring myself to do before I left.

I had been on this journey to discover what God has planned for me in whatever time He has planned for me to remain on this earth.  The journey was great, I got to do a lot of new things (hiking, halls of fame), saw three of my children and spouses and four grandchildren and revisited every place I had ever lived, reconnecting with some people in my life.  My hope was that with these three elements, I would have a clearer sense of understanding of where I have been and therefore where I am going. The two major identities that have been Ron Neuberg for the past thirty plus years are husband and pediatric oncologist, neither of which are Ron Neuberg going forward.  Through the trip God helped me remember that I am still His child whom He loves (most important), father, grandfather, physician with knowledge to help others, a member of the F3 brotherhood and a person blessed with amazing friends and family who have kept in touch and remained supportive for the past seven months.  For these things I am eternally grateful.

10/15
Yesterday I Q'ed (which is F3 lingo for designed and lead the workout) for 8 other guys at Crooked Creek.  I had prepared a devotion for the end of the workout but was a hot mess trying to get through it.  Basically, I called on God and said that since He allowed my situation to happen, He has the power to remedy it and I'm just going to depend on Him.  Then today happened.  Sundays are always hard for me because it is the day Debbie and I almost always spent together and went to church.  It is also the day of the week she died and every week I count how many weeks have gone by without her on this earth (31 today).  I went to Chapin United Methodist Church today as it is still nearly impossible for me to go to New Heights, the church Debbie and I attended together for years.  The contemporary music was very worshipful as usual.  And as usual, I became quite emotional, thinking abut how much Debbie loved contemporary music and how she is in heaven praising God and how I wish I were there with her.  If that weren't enough, Pastor Jodi's sermon was on how we should pray that God would break us so that we can be totally dependent on Him and pour out our lives for Him.  I walked in the church feeling broken, wept through the music, then had to keep myself from openly sobbing during the message.  Where is my faith if all I can do is mourn when I am in God's house?  What good did the trip do if I have no clearer direction afterwards than I had before?  Was this all just a way to run away from the pain?  I know that God can heal my brokenness but I have no idea how and when.

I used to tell Debbie the best way to get her mind off herself  was to do something to help others.  I know I have to take my own advice.  This journey is not over just because the car is in the garage. The little picture without God's wider perspective is painful. I know I need to have strength and courage, seek God's face because He sees the big picture and He loves me.